Copyrighted by Lorna Tedder. Originally published in Crimes to the Third Degree.
Can things ever be right again when someone is hurting and needing to crawl into their own little cave for a while?
Must be something in the stars. I’m watching several situations with startling similarities. They all involve people who are hurt retreating into their own worlds and people who are reaching out, sometimes wanted and sometimes not but without reciprocation.
Some have to do with ethical violations and violations of confidences. Some have to do with manipulation and control. Some have more to do with insecurities and self-isolation. Some simply need time to figure out what’s going on and where they’re headed.
I have tried to respect the wishes of those who wish to work through their issues alone. Sometimes, it’s the only way to deal with hurt, no matter how much someone else wants to help. In some cases, where people are having such a hard time dealing with their circumstances, I don’t know what to say. I’m not sure there’s anything I can say. No matter what is said it’s interpreted in ways that surprise me, even hurt me, so sometimes it’s best just to shut up and wait and let things take their course.
For those who are hurting and driven to their knees by circumstances around them, I have tried to let them know I’m still here when they’re ready to come out of their caves and that I’m hoping the best for them.
Letters, emails, phone calls go unanswered. But no response is required. I understand. I do. Time is needed and time is given.
A part of me thinks I’ll just be very quiet and I’ll be here when they’re done with their trials as I have been in the past.
Another part of me starts to doubt, though. A part of me withdraws to my own inner cave because I don’t know when this kind of thing will happen again. I feel the pull-back in my willingness to let myself get as close next time.
I think that’s how so many marriages and other relationships break down. I think it’s an issue of my own, too. I like to help and be involved and give of myself. When I feel rejected—even when the other person is isolating himself or herself in something that has little or nothing to do with me—I withdraw instead of fighting for the relationship. And I’m wondering if it’s better to be blustering forth and demanding someone speak to me or to be respectful and let them heal themselves.
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